Grandpas

What’s up, blog? We've made it through a cold winter, and now the sun is shining! Plus, the time change is TOMORROW! Praise the Lord! Life hasn't slowed down in 2025, and a lot has happened in my life.

Something I've been reflecting on recently is the life of my grandfather. After his passing last week, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about him and feeling grateful that I had such a wonderful grandpa in my life for over 23 years. Growing up, I spent many weekends at my grandparents' ranch with my cousins. They gave us a space to play and be outside a lot—such an awesome gift to give a child. Those years were formative for me. I spent a lot of time fishing, driving around the pasture, hanging out with my cousins, and playing card games with my grandma.

When I think of Alfred (my grandpa), I always picture him sitting in the corner of the room with his cowboy hat and glasses, wearing the biggest smile. He never tried to be the center of attention; he just enjoyed being a part of whatever was going on, especially if it involved his kids or grandkids. He loved his family. Every once in a while, he'd chime in with something witty and make us all laugh. Though Alfred looked tough—because he was—he was also the sweetest man I’ve ever met. I’ll miss his hugs. Every time I arrived at or was leaving the ranch, he would stick out his hand. Expecting just a handshake, he would always pull me in for a hug. I can still hear his hearing aid ringing in my ear along with his voice, saying, "Love you, Buzzy!"

I don't think I can ever visit the ranch again without thinking of him. That little place in the middle of nowhere is marked by him forever, and I’m grateful for it.

I know the Lord a lot better because of my grandfather. The joy he found in being with his children and grandchildren feels like a metaphor for the joy the Father has when we spend time with Him. He sits with His children, in silence or in conversation, with a big smile on His face. Thank you, God, for grandpas.

What a year!

Okay. It’s 1:35 am on December 31st and I’m feeling so sentimental about this year. I just spent a whole day with some of my best friends who know how to celebrate me so well. (I think I’m starting to love having my birthday as one of the last days of the year btw.) These are people I used to walk and do life with everyday in year(s) prior. However, a lot has changed this year. This year, 2024, I packed up my life in Lubbock and left. I moved away from people I couldn’t possibly love more even if I tried. I moved away from a place that has felt so safe and easy. I moved away from a place that the Lord used to completely transform my heart into something I could never make it to be on my own… and I found myself in a little town on the Guadalupe River. I didn’t know what emotions to feel when this change happened. So much excitement and sadness and hope and heaviness. I remember being overwhelmed by so many feelings as I knew my time in this sweet place was coming to an end. Almost immediately leaving Lubbock, I was met with a safe landing pad on the Frio River. This place is no stranger to me and has always been a place where time stands still and the rest of the world doesn’t matter. Praise God I got to spend three months in a place like that during this action-packed year. After camp, life hit again, and I moved to Kerrville to start my new job. Not sure what this new adventure would look like, time and time again, God met me with assurances that everything was going to be okay and I would fit right into this town sooner than I thought. Dinner with friends, house-warming parties, co-workers turned best friends, Saturday trips to Comfort Coffee, new gym friends who give me fist bumps after workouts, development days with some people who mean a lot to me, walks on the river trail, YL club with high schoolers on Monday nights that have lead to watching their basketball games on Tuesdays, new friends getting engaged, Sunday evenings with my parents at their ranch, an old hymn at my new church, a call from a friend, getting obsessed with the NBA, lunch with my mentor while we catch up on life, making a pour over at work, or even just a pretty Hill Country sunset. I can see Him in all of these moments reminding me as He always does that He is with me and to not be anything more than who He created me to be. To just be. I think this is my New Year’s resolution simplified. This next year I want to just be. Kinda like this last year honestly. But maybe and hopefully, I’ll resist a little less and stop fighting against my humanness. Recently, I’ve been thinking so much about how sin entering the world made it hard for us to be human. To be who we were truly meant to be. And I think that this next year, I want to lean into what that might look like. I’ll start with seeing what all the Lord has to say about it and go from there. Maybe I’ll become more self-aware this next year, or grow in humility and interdependence, or conquer old struggles and gain new ones, or start loving the limitations of humanity, or find something else I’m really passionate about (CrossFit Christian Influencer??). Who knows?! At the very least, I’ll spend some time with a God who has never changed and never will. And I’ll just be. And I think I’ll be okay with that.

Misunderstood

Hi friends, it’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. I’m not sure if anyone even reads these, but maybe some of you do. And I’m thankful for those that take the time to read my 22-year-old thoughts. When I decided I was moving to Kerrville for my job back in January of this year, I told myself I wanted to be as authentic and faithful to the Lord as possible. To not take on the personality and opinions of those around me for the sake of being liked, and to not try to be anything other than who the Lord made me to be. It’s been hard and I have failed more times than I can count, but this post is going to be my best attempt to be as candid as possible.

Being authentic and faithful has come with its own costs. I think the biggest cost has been feeling SO misunderstood. By coworkers, friends, family, strangers, I think I have felt very misunderstood in all of these spaces. There have been times when I have openly talked about truths that the Lord is teaching me through His word and have felt like the whole room thinks I’m the most legalistic douchebag ever. There has also been moments of confessing and talking through faith things where I have felt like people think I’m a progressive Arminian or something lol. I promise I’m not either of those things btw!  And maybe this is all in my own head, but for some reason, I am feeling it even more so these days.

However, the more I look at the scriptures, I see that Jesus is no stranger to feeling misunderstood. Especially being misunderstood in faith circles. I think I’m learning a lot that being misunderstood is actually a huge part to being a faithful follower of Jesus. From Jesus’ own mouth, he says, “Woe to you when all people speak well of you, for this is the way their ancestors used to treat the false prophets” (Luke 6:26). Or even Matthew 5:11 when Jesus says, “You are blessed when they insult you and persecute you and falsely say every kind of evil against you because of me.” All this to say, I think being misunderstood is pretty consistent with the teachings of Jesus.

I swear I’m not trying to call myself the apostle Paul or claim to know every theological truth or anything like that by what I wrote above. I’m not being thrown in Jail or even feeling extremely persecuted because of my faith. Oftentimes, I crave people speaking well of me. I don’t want to be disliked, especially when it comes to my faith. But, I think I just wanted to be honest about how I feel. Sorry if this post isn’t making being a follower of Jesus the most attractive thing on the planet. It really isn’t sometimes. And it can sound foolish to those who are perishing. But I have found the most comfort when I meet with the Lord on these matters. When I let Him in and let Him be with me in these groans. I am blessed when I am misunderstood. Lord, help me to remember that.

The Gift is Not Like the Trespass

I have a special connection with Romans 5. Anytime I have ever had to share my testimony to someone or a group of people, I reread this passage for hours. I do not say that to try and sound better than anyone else. I say that because it is always a frightening thought to unload all your crap in front of a group of people. Especially if your crap looks anything like my crap LOL. If I had any say in the matter, I think I would choose to never share my story with anyone. Marked by shame for so long, it is so unnatural for me to freely claim victory in Christ through my struggles. Especially when my struggles still feel very present.

However, Romans 5 reminds me of a great truth. Jesus is the one who won victory over my struggles, not me. Paul makes a very profound statement in this chapter. He says, “But the gift is not like the trespass” (v. 15). Romans 5 explains the trespass versus the gift. The trespass is through one man’s sin came condemnation and death for everyone. And that through this one man’s trespass, death reigned. We see this all the time! I feel the weight of the trespass regularly. The consequences of sin that affect myself and others. The brokenness of our world. It all can feel too much at times.

But Paul also says something else interesting. He says the gift also comes through one man. This gift is justification through the righteous act of one man which leads to life for everyone. Through Jesus’ obedience, the many will be made righteous. It doesn’t say through Jesus’ obedience and a good effort on our part, the many will be made righteous. No. The glory is completely His and the gift is freely ours.

This chapter also says, “The law came along to multiply the trespass. But where sin multiplied, grace multiplied even more” (v. 20). If you’re like me, this maybe brings a tear to your eye when you read it. Through my copious amount of perverted and gross sin, God doesn’t pull himself away. No. His grace is actually multiplied when confronted with my sin. This is so opposite to anything that feels natural. It doesn’t even make a little bit of sense to me. And also, through that grace reigns righteousness, resulting in eternal life. This is how the Lord sees me. Righteous. Not through the lens of the trespass, but through the gift.

This chapter is always successful at tearing down any self-preservation I have when sharing my story. I can now boldly stand in front of people to proclaim the way this gift has played out in my life so that maybe someone else might hear of this kind of radical grace and love and accept it for themselves too.

A Broken and Humbled Heart

When I ask myself who I relate to most in the bible, I always think of David. In no way am I calling myself a king. I actually think I mainly relate to how many mistakes that he makes. I also like how real and honest his thoughts are in all the psalms. Specifically, Psalms 51. In my bible, the title of this psalm is A Prayer for Restoration. This psalm is brutally honest. David writes this psalm after committing adultery, killing someone, and then living in this unconfessed sin for months. He’s messy. I think this is what draws me to him if I’m being completely honest. So let me talk about this psalm for a second.

In this psalm, David is crushed by his sin. He was not able to live with a clear conscience and in turn wasn’t able to properly worship the Lord during this time. David doesn’t blame anyone else for his sin, but takes full responsibility. He recognizes the punishment for his sin and that the Lord is righteous to pass judgment. He also recognizes what the Lord’s desires are for him. The Lord desires integrity in the inner self and to teach David deep wisdom within. Nothing is surface level with the Lord. David asks the Lord to wash him whiter than snow. To purify him inside out. Spurgeon says, “God could make him as if he had never sinned at all. Such is the power of the cleansing work of God upon the heart that he can restore innocence to us, and make us as if we had never been stained with transgression at all.” Like what?? 

Another thing. The conviction from the Holy Spirit that David was feeling was so severe that he felt like bones were broken. However, David knows that out of this brokenness, he would rejoice.  “...let the bones you have crushed rejoice” (v. 8). Another Spurgeon quote, “He is requesting a great thing; he seeks joy for a sinful heart, music for crushed bones. Preposterous prayer anywhere but at the throne of God!” So true, Charles.

David also asks the Lord to create for him a clean heart. The word create in this passage of scripture is the Hebrew verb bara, which is used in Genesis 1 for the creation of the heavens and the earth by God. Meaning God had to create this heart out of nothing. Something only He could do. Along with this heart, he also asks for a steadfast spirit that would help him continue to live in the ways that the Lord desired for him. For change to happen, David needed to completely and 100% depend on God. David very humbly comes to God in this psalm.

Possibly one of my favorite verses of this psalm is verse 17. “The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. You will not despise a broken and humbled heart, God.” In a time before the new covenant, when everyone was sacrificing animals, David knew the Lord’s heart. No animal sacrifice was close to the value of a person’s broken spirit. Also in this time, I am sure other kings around David committed adultery and bloodshed often. What David did was probably expected of a king compared to other nations' standards. I am sure if the kings from other nations heard that David was feeling this kind of guilt for his actions, they would probably be so confused. “Like get over it dude?? I do that all the time. It’s not that bad.” But, the Lord in no way despised his broken and humbled heart. In fact, a broken and humbled heart is a space that the Lord is pleased in. In these spaces, the Lord restores the joy of our salvation. 

Child of God, don’t let the world make you feel bad for a humbled and broken heart over your sin. Though the current temptation is to toss blame for your sin, justify it, or believe that your sin isn’t actually sin at all. These are all just cheap ways to live your life compared to what the Lord has to offer you. A clean heart? A steadfast spirit?? Restored joy of salvation??? I think I will take that instead. Don’t let others or yourself deprive you of the joy that the Lord has for you when you come to him with crushed bones. I promise that a broken spirit over sin preludes the abundant life that the Lord has waiting for you.

P.S. sorry for talking about sin so much on here. I just do it sometimes.

Head to the Heart

Do you ever intend on following through with something and then end up just not doing it? Let me give some examples. Maybe you told a friend you would call them this last week and just never got around to doing it. Or maybe you told yourself you would wake up early to read or make breakfast before work, and then you find yourself snoozing your alarm five times and rushing out the door to get to work at a decent time. These are just examples of things I do weekly. I have really great intentions most of the time, but terrible execution. It’s like there is a total disconnect in what I want to do and what I end up doing. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

I feel this way a lot when it comes to my faith. I know what is right. I know what I should be doing versus what I shouldn't be doing. But, a lot of the time, I end up doing the thing that I don’t want to do. It feels like at some point between my head and my heart, the message got thrown out the window. Or sometimes even worse. The message got to my heart, but I willingly do the opposite anyway. It’s like my head and my heart are on two different pages.

So, what do we do when our faith feels this way? What do we do when our heart feels powerless against the things of this world? Do we lose hope and make compromises in our faith? Surely not. I started listening to a song this summer while at camp. It’s called Head to the Heart by United Pursuit. One of the lines in the song says: 

“There's no shame

In looking like a fool

When I give You what I can't keep

To take a hold of You.”

When I get to feeling like I am losing hope in my fight for obedience. When I feel like I can’t do anything right and my affection for the Lord isn’t there, it’s usually a cue for me to let go of some things. These things can be anything really. Things like social media, caffeine, or alcohol. Or some things that are harder to let go of… like relationships, jobs, or places that mean a lot to me. Sometimes, I willingly let go of these things. But, other times, these things are ripped out of my hands whether I like it or not. A kindness and a mercy from the Lord. 

When everything is given to the Lord or stripped away from me and there is no other earthly comfort to turn to, it is there that I find the Lord waiting for me. I turn to Him with no other options, and embrace His faithful love that initiated anything that was good in me in the first place. I am my most true self when I am fully sitting in His presence. No other distractions. Lord, would you help us to let go of the things that take away our affection for you, even if it makes us look foolish compared to the rest of the world.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,

and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

Proverbs 9:10

CrossFit & Commitments

If you have had any interaction with me in the past week, I bet the title of this blog makes you roll your eyes so hard. And in case you haven’t heard or couldn’t tell by the title, I started CrossFit recently. Recently, as in… 5 days ago. After a couple months of silently thinking about it, I finally pulled the trigger. I finally committed to CrossFit. I’m being so humble about it. But, I really wanted to talk on here about my one week in CrossFit. Hopefully, I don’t quit anytime soon and this post totally backfires on me so hard.

Some things I have gathered: First, CrossFit is tough! There hasn't been a single workout that I’ve been to this week that I haven’t wanted to throw up during. I’m now a lot more conscious of everything that I am putting in my body. I went to Rita’s on Friday and got two of the greasiest tacos ever. I was definitely regretting that choice at my workout this morning.  Second, and this might make your eyes roll even harder, but CrossFit seems to be more of a lifestyle than just a workout class. After my second class, one of the guys came up to me to give me his “CrossFit testimony.” It was awesome. This workout class had changed his life!? Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. It has become clear to me, in the past week, that joining this CrossFit class was more of a commitment than I had originally considered. But also, that maybe by joining in this commitment, I might reap more benefits than I had originally thought.

Okay. Time for the biggest eye roll maybe, but I have to do it. Imagine if we treated our relationship with the Lord with this kind of commitment? What if following Jesus affected the way we lived our lives? What if being a “Christian” isn’t just a title that we give ourselves, but it is something that we consider a lifestyle? And what if by doing that, we reap more benefits than we ever thought we would? 

Following the Lord has been the greatest commitment of my life. 8-year-old Blayze knew nothing of what was to come when he gave his life to the Lord. Neither did 13-year-old Blayze when he “rededicated” his life to the Lord, LOL. Nor did 19-year-old Blayze when he fully surrendered everything over to a God who he finally found to be trustworthy. Let’s just say it took awhile for me to really “trust the process.” This God is patient, consistent, and the best thing to ever happen to me. It is the greatest privilege to commit to walking with him every single day. 

So, what are the things that are keeping you from committing to a lifestyle of walking with the Lord? Is it questions, doubts, maybe some secret sin that makes you feel like you are incapable of being loved? Sorry. That last one was mainly for me. I promise you that there is nothing you can bring to the feet of the Lord that will scare Him. He’s far more loving and kind and patient with you than you will ever know.

So, maybe commit to Him today. The benefits and the cost might be unknown, but I promise it’ll be the greatest decision you ever make. And maybe you’ll become more “Cross-fit.” Get it? As in becoming more like Christ?

God’s Holiness and Man’s Sinfulness

I want to talk about holiness for a second. For the past year and a half, I’ve been thinking a lot about the holiness of the Lord and the sinfulness of man, and those two things coming into contact. We see this actually happening in scripture. 

In Isaiah 6:1-3, Isaiah has a vision of the Lord. 

“...I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
    the whole earth is full of his glory.”

A vision of a holy God…with a bunch of strange-looking creatures around him called seraphim. The seraphim repeat the word “holy” three times, emphasizing the Lord’s holiness. Let’s look at the prophet’s response to coming face to face with God in this vision:

“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”

Immediately, after Isaiah sees this vision of the Lord, he sees his own sinfulness. He recognizes that he is dirty and sinful, and he feels the weight of that. I relate a lot to Isaiah these days. As I continue to get closer to Christ. As I continue to read and pray and confess, especially in this season of my life, I feel…dirtier? Not in a shame way. But in a way that creates a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat because of an awareness of my sinfulness, and leaves me begging for the Lord to make me clean and right with Him. I don’t think this is a bad thing. In fact, I think it is a really good thing. In my mind, the cross is bigger and greater in these seasons because I get to see my sin for what it really is. And that makes Jesus’ sacrifice so much greater.

Last year at a church service at my former church in Lubbock, my pastor was explaining what his walk with Jesus looked like in a chart form. This chart is at the top of this page for reference.

This felt like a great example of what I was feeling. As I continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord, the gap between His holiness and my sinfulness feels even bigger. And because of this big gap, the cross must become bigger. I’m thankful that during this season, the cross feels pretty big. But, it doesn’t always feel like that. 

If I could make an adjustment to the chart, I would probably make the lines more zig-zag while still corresponding with each other. Sometimes God's holiness doesn’t feel that holy to me and my sinfulness doesn't feel all that sinful to me. And if I’m being honest, I probably feel that way most of the time. Sometimes, it takes the Lord pulling me away from all the community that came so naturally to me in Lubbock, and dragging me to coffee shops in the middle of the Hill Country to see it. I am thankful for right now. And I am thankful that the cross is bigger than I will ever know on this side of eternity. And that I have seen a glimpse of the King, the Lord Almighty. 

Praying that you would encounter the Lord in such a way that makes you see your sin for what it is, and in turn realize how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for you.

Finding Life by Losing it

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will find it.”

Matthew 16: 24-25 (CSB)

What a command given by Jesus in the book of Matthew chapter 16. After revealing to His disciples that He is the Son of the living God(V. 16), and making known to them that it is necessary for him to suffer many things and be killed(V. 21), He gives them these directions. That if anyone wants to follow after Him, they would have to go through their own kind of death. 

This is not an easy ask. As I’m sure dying on a cross was not an easy ask for Jesus. In my experience, denying myself and taking up my cross feels like the most unnatural and uncomfortable thing ever. It does not come easy nor was it ever supposed to come easy. Following Jesus is living a life of constantly letting go of things that I want to hold so tightly to. Things like caring so much about how people think of me, the constant urge to want to be right, comparing other people’s struggles to my own, keeping my deep brokenness to myself, being shy about sharing the truth of His gospel and so much more. These things I hold onto with clinched fists.

But Jesus wants us to let go of these things. I just recently read of a metaphor that compares these things to a seed. If I were to hold a seed in my hand, not wanting to let it go, it would simply stay a seed. But when I let go of this seed and bury it, I free it up to be what it was always meant to be. A beautiful plant. When I finally give up the things that I hold onto so tightly. When I finally deny myself, take up my cross, and follow him, it is there that I find the very life I always thought I was losing. And in finding that life, I have felt the deepest of joys through all circumstances because of the goodness and kindness of a Father who cares a lot about me. One who went to a cross for me. And for you, too. 

Jesus commands a different way than this world: Finding life by losing it. The beautiful paradox of the cross.